Answers to Questions about What It Means to be Gay and Lesbian

By Eric Marcus

Sample Questions* of Interest to Parents

*The full answers to these questions can be found in the book.

• How do I talk to my children about gay people?

There’s no particular time in the life of a child when you have to bring up the subject of gay people. It’s likely to come up naturally if your child has a gay aunt or uncle or if there’s something on television or in the news that catches a child’s interest or sparks their curiosity. The challenge you’re likely to face is how to respond to the comment or question in an age-appropriate way.
For example, I can remember like yesterday the panic in my sister’s voice when I told her that my partner and I were having a commitment ceremony. “What,” my sister asked, “am I going to say to Rachel?” Rachel (my sister’s daughter, who this book happens to be dedicated to) was eight years old at the time and my sister had never talked to Rachel about the fact that Uncle Eric and Uncle Barney were gay and a couple…

• My eleven-year-old son told me he thinks he's gay. Isn't that too young for him to know? What should I say?

I know people who figured out they were gay before they had a word for it—guys who recall having serious crushes on boys at age five, and if you look back you might recall having crushes on people of the opposite sex that early, too. And these days, kids are far more likely to have a word for their feelings than when I was growing up. So it’s no longer surprising for me when I get an e-mail from an eleven year old asking me how she can talk to her parents about being gay.
If your child is telling you he’s gay, believe him—he’s the best expert on this subject—and don’t try to persuade him otherwise. If it turns out that he’s not gay, he’ll let you know when he figures that out. The key is to avoid giving any indication that you’re upset or confused. You’re the parent and what a child is looking for in this circumstance is reassurance. Save your upset or confusion for a discussion with your spouse and/or a counselor…

• My child is getting called names at school because he/she is perceived to be gay. What can I do?

You can start by doing what you ought to do any time a child is teased or bullied: let him know you love him and that he doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Virtually no child, gay or straight, gets through school without being picked on for one reason or another, so you can rest assured—unfortunately—that you and your child are not alone.
You probably can’t help but wonder if the reason your child is being teased is because he is in fact gay. But if he hasn’t chosen this moment—when he’s feeling particularly vulnerable—to come out to you, then don’t force the issue. Avoiding that question lets him know that the teasing is wrong whether he’s gay or not…

• My brother/sister is gay. Will they be a bad influence on my children?

No. If anything, your brother or sister can be a good influence. Chances are, having a gay aunt or uncle will help your child to be open-minded and accepting of difference. I like to think that that’s been the experience of my niece and two nephews. Having grown up with my partner and me as their uncles, they seem unselfconscious about the subject of gay people and my niece has become something of an expert. And that’s not a recent occurrence.
When my niece was all of thirteen, she called to ask me if I could take her to a huge gay rights march that was planned for Washington, DC, in 2000. I hadn’t planned to go, but I couldn’t say no to my niece, who, during the parade, very gamely fielded questions from a group of older lesbians who were curious to know why she wanted to be at the march. Rachel explained that she thought it was important to stand up and be counted in the fight for equal rights.

More Questions you’ll find in What If Someone I Know Is Gay?

• I think my daughter/son may be gay. Should I ask?
• What can I do to protect gay children against discrimination?
• Are there anti-bullying resources you can recommend?
• How do I talk to other parents about my gay child?
• Is it okay for my kids to play with kids who have gay parents?