Interview with Eric Marcus, author of:

What If Someone I Know Is Gay?
Answers to Questions about What It Means to be Gay and Lesbian

• Why do you think teens need to know about this subject?
Every teenager knows someone gay, whether it’s a friend, a parent, an uncle or an aunt.  If we don’t give young people honest, accurate information, we run the risk that they’ll wind up believing the old and hateful myths about gay people and homosexuality that have ruined so many lives in past generations.

• What kinds of questions do you answer?
I set out to answer all the key questions that teens—and their parents—are likely to have, from “How do you become gay?” and “Is being gay a choice?” to “How do gay people have sex?” and “What did Jesus have to say about homosexuality?”

• Why talk about gay sex?
From the e-mails I get it’s clear that this is something teens are keenly interested in and often clueless about.  It’s actually an easy question to answer and fairly straightforward.  We’re not Martians.  We’re human, so the ways in which gay people express themselves in a sexual relationship are pretty much the same as how straight people do, with a couple of exceptions.  That said, given the dangerous world in which we live, it’s important for teens to know about responsible sexual behavior and, if they are sexually active, to do what’s necessary to protect themselves from HIV/AIDS and other STDs.  It’s not like we can keep our heads in the sand and simply not talk about any of this.

• You’ve added a chapter just for parents in this new edition.  Why?
Parents write to me asking for basic advice:  “How do I talk to my kids about gay people?” or “I think my child might be gay.  What can I do to be the best parent I can to my child?”  Parents want to do the right thing and when it comes to this issue, they’re often unsure of themselves.  This is something my straight peers have been grappling with as their kids have grown into their teen years, so I’ve included in this new chapter answers to the questions they’ve been asking.  I also think it’s good for my teen readers to see the kinds of questions their parents are asking.

• How can parents tell if their child is gay?
In general, until your child tells you, you can’t know for sure.  However, for parents who have children who demonstrate behavior that we’ve come to associate with gay people (feminine-acting boys who play with dolls and aren’t interested in sports; masculine-acting girls who want to play with trucks and climb trees), these may be early clues.  Many of these kids turn out to be gay, which is something parents are increasingly coming to realize.  But then the question for these parents is what can they do to make certain their kids aren’t harmed by teasing or discrimination.  Of course this is a very short answer to a complicated question and I address it at greater length in the book.

• What are the questions teens ask you most often?
The pre-teens and teens I hear from ask the following questions most often:  “How can I tell if I’m gay?” “How can I meet other gay people my age?” “I think my friend is gay and I’d like to ask her if she is.  How can I do that?”

• When is the right time to start talking to children about gay people?
It’s not like you have to sit your kids down when they’re thirteen and have a discussion about homosexuality.  In all likelihood this subject will come up much earlier with a comment or question from your kids themselves.  For example, some of the put-downs kids use are “Don’t be so gay!” or “That’s so gay!” or “You’re such a fag.” 
When a parent hears a child say something like that to a sibling or a friend, there’s an opportunity to tell that child why this language is not acceptable (I explain this in detail in the book).  Or, as in the case of my young nephew, when he asked his parents why his two uncles sleep in the same bed, his parents were able to say very simply, “Uncle Eric and Uncle Barney love each other like Mommy and Daddy.”  As he got older he asked more specific questions and I’ve helped my brother and sister-in-law with age-appropriate answers. 
            I find that parents are most fearful of having to talk about the specifics of sexual activity, which is generally not what kids are asking about.  They’re interested in understanding relationships and love.  And, unfortunately, because we live in society that often demonizes gay people, children need help sorting out how that negative image can be associated with the gay people in their lives whom they love and who love them.

• You’ve been writing about gay issues for two decades.  Has much changed?
The changes have been dramatic.  Just a couple of examples:  If you really wanted to say something outrageous in 1988, all you had to do was suggest that gay people should have the right to marry.  That’s still a contentious issue, but a majority of Americans now believe that gay couples should have legal protections and an increasing number of people—young people in particular—support full marriage. 
A second example:  Twenty years ago, when I heard from parents who had gay children (teenagers or young adults) they were usually in great distress, often in tears, and wanted to know what they could do to change their kids.  Now I’m hearing from the parents of eight and nine year olds.  They recognize that their child is probably gay and they want to be the best parents they can to that child and they want to know how.  Makes me wish I could do my life all over again and be born to parents who felt that way.

Other questions you can ask Eric Marcus:
• You worked with Olympic diving champion Greg Louganis on his best-selling autobiography.  What’s he up to these days?
• What do you think of the positions taken on gay marriage by the presidential contenders?  Are you and your partner married?
• How did your parents react to the news that you’re gay?
• When did you realize that you were gay?