Answers to Questions about What It Means to be Gay and Lesbian

By Eric Marcus

Sample Questions* of Interest to Teens

*The full answers to these questions can be found in the book.

• How do you become gay?

Simple answer—you can’t become gay, just like you can't become straight. This is how it works: All of us have feelings of sexual attraction. Most of us have these feelings for people of the opposite sex—boys for girls, girls for boys. Some of us have these feelings for people of the same sex—boys for boys, girls for girls. And some people have feelings of sexual attraction for both the same sex and the opposite sex.
For example, when Mae was ten years old, she already knew she was different from most of her classmates. “All the girls in elementary school were boy crazy. I knew that I wasn't, but I pretended to be like everyone else…”

• Is being gay a choice?

I’m asked this question more often than just about any other and the answer is no. People don't choose their feelings of sexual attraction. That’s true for everyone. If you’ve ever been attracted to someone, whether they’re of the same sex or the opposite sex, you know that you didn’t decide to feel tingly whenever you were near them. Like your eye color, skin color, or height, you don’t get to choose these feelings. They have been chosen for you. However, what you decide to do about these feelings is a matter of choice…

• If I think my friend is gay, can I ask him/her about it? What should I say?

Most of the time I’m asked this question by someone who is concerned about a friend and his or her friendship with that person. She senses there’s something going on that’s creating distance between her and her friend and she’d like to get things out in the open so they can be better friends. Or she’s worried that a friend is struggling with conflicts about his or her sexuality and she’d like to let that friend know it’s okay to talk about it.
So if this is your motivation, yes, you can ask…

• I live with my two moms. Why won’t some of my friends’ parents let them come to my house?

Some people are still very uninformed about gay men and lesbians and they think that if their kids get to know gay people that it will somehow make their children gay. Others mistakenly believe that gay men and women are more likely to molest their children. And still others think that being gay is wrong or sinful and don’t want their children exposed to such “bad influences.”

• Do gay people fall in love?

Just like everyone else, gay and lesbian people fall in love.

•How do gay and lesbian people have sex? What do they do?
This is often the question that many young people (and adults, too!) are most curious to have answered. One twelve-year-old girl recently e-mailed me asking if gay people try to have sex. I thought for a moment about what she was asking and realized that given what she knew from her fourth grade sexual reproduction class, sex between two men or two women just didn't seem to make sense…

• What did Jesus have to say about homosexuality?

Nothing. Despite the many things that some Christian religious leaders have said against gay and lesbian people, not one of them was ever alleged to have been said by Jesus Christ.

More Questions you’ll find in What If Someone I Know Is Gay?
• I’ve heard that being gay is “bad” or “nasty.” Is that true?
• How can you tell if someone is gay or lesbian? Do they look or act a certain way?
• I think my best friend is gay/lesbian. Will he/she want to have sex with me?
• My friend who is gay told me she’s fallen in love with me. What should I say?
• How can I figure out how my parents will react if I tell them I’m gay?
• If I’m gay and my religious beliefs tell me that what I am is wrong, what can I do?